If You Don't Love America, Get Out.

Gene Simmons? Even Simon can't beleive it. 

Wow, American Idol, it is an absolute phenomenon. The governor of the Great State of Alabama declared today Bo Bice Day. The entire population of Oklahoma is ready to riot if Carrie Underwood brings home the hardware. Live TV with drunk correspondents and old men in overalls. The good, the bad, the ugly: David Hasselhoff, Hall & Oats, Gene Simons, Kenny Logins, Mark McGrath, and Mr. 5.9%.

The 10 worst performers provide any number of future William Hungs: the national anthem girl, Mr. Goth, and the two ‘friends.’

Simon and Paula are fighting again. Thank goodness that soulless Ryan Seacrest is here to save the day. Randy Jackson is secretly trying to clone himself, and then come out of the closet – move to Massachusetts – and have a nice ceremony, and Simon is showing him how.

Oh look: William Hung… I knew he’d make a cameo.

Now they are troting out rejected contestants and a bunch of washed-up has-beens:

Carrie Underwood and some country guy.

Kenny G and two reject contestants just performed a “I Believe I Can Fly” by R. Kelly. Is Yanni up next?

Nope,
Kenny Wayne Shepard and three rejects “Walk This Way” by Run DMC and Aerosmith. Oh the humanity.

Geroge Benson, Ozzie Smith’s kid “Nico,” and the ‘husky’ guy giving us an inspiring rendition of “Broadway.” Not bad, actually a well placed song.

Billy Preston, Babyface in a Door’s T-shirt – hmmm? How did that conversation go between Babyface and his manager? 'Look, American Idol, it’s your only chance.'

Oh ladies and gentlemen: Mr. Bo Bice and Lynard Skynard… I’ll bet you can’t guess what song they played.

FOX 9’s Trish Vanpillson is investigating boxing by getting punched in the head a few times. I’m sure that is some riveting journalism.

Some Baldwin looking guy just brought in the envelope. Over 500,000 votes this year – good lord.

And now the winner: Carrie Underwood

‘I would just like to thank America… and World Peace.’

Her first single “Inside Your Heaven” to be released June 14, I don’t know about any of you but I’m going to be first in line.

I can’t believe how good it all actually was, but I need to take a shower.

Only in America.