Futility Redefined

Oh the joys of being a Minnesota football fan.  

Minnesota is the worst place to be a football fan. The Vikings and the Gophers both raise the state’s collective expectations, then catastrophically collapse. The only thing you can count on as a Minnesotan football fan is heartbreak. Someway, somehow, one of the two teams is going to implode, crushing our spirit.

As if that wasn’t enough, we have to watch all our home football games in the Metrodome. The human habit-trail, the soul sucking baggie, it is impossible to argue that it isn’t the worst stadium in the Big Ten, or the NFL. We used to be able to ridicule Detroit for the Silverdome, no more. Even the Arizona Cardinals are getting a new stadium.

Just this weekend, the Gophers choke in spectacular fashion at home, blowing a ten point lead with two minutes left. They lost on a blocked-punt returned for a TD. An ending like that may only happen once or twice a year in all of college football, but it is just the type of play that has come to typify Gopher football. And to top it all off, it was against Wisconsin.

And let’s not forget about the Vikings. They needed a win in the worst way, and got blown-out 28-3 by lowly old Chicago. You will not find one positive story surrounding these clowns for at least the next week. The season is over, stick a fork in them. The Vikings will be battling the Houston Texans for the worst record in the NFL. We Minnesotans get to look forward to another crushing defeat at the hands of our easterly neighbors next weekend: the Green Bay Packers come to town and get their shot at the sinking Vikes.

And somewhere Red McCombs is smiling. Like any good used-car salesman, he shinned-up a mediocre franchise before he sold it to some sucker at an inflated price. Poor Zigy Wilf drove it about a mile down the road before it broke-down. Now he gets the pleasure of trying to literally “right the ship.” (Get ready for another onslaught of ship/boat/dingy puns in the media this week.) You got to feel for the guy. I feel bad when my fantasy football team losses, Zigy's mental health cannot be very good.


All time low-points in Minnesota football history:

1. 1998 Vikings lose in the NFC championship game after Gary Anderson missed his first field goal of the year.

2. 2003 Gophers blow a 21 point lead in the 4th quarter at home to Michigan.

3. The Vikings lost all four Super Bowl appearances.

4. The Gophers haven’t been a good team in a long time; they haven’t been to the Rose Bowl since 1961.

5. In the three years I had student season football tickets, I witnessed, in person, at least three Gopher losses on the last play of the game. (Purdue, Northwestern, Michigan State)

6. October 26, 1964 Jim Marshall, a Vikings defensive lineman, picked-up a fumble and ran it the wrong way for a 49er’s touchdown. Forever dubbed “Wrong-way Jim Marshall.”

7. Vikings lose the 1987 NFC Championship to the Washington Redskins as running back Darrin Nelson is stopped at the goal line on the game’s final play.

8. 2000 NFC Championship game Vikings lose 41-0 to the NY Giants.

The list goes on and on.

And people wonder why Minnesotan sports fans are so fair-weathered.

We should stick to hockey.